A culture of validation

I just returned from my annual trip to the East Coast for a week long co-counseling gathering. Co-counseling is the simple process of two or more people agreeing to share equal amounts of time listening to each other. We take turns listening with compassion, not judging or giving advice, and taking time to express whatever needs expressing. There is a power in compassionate listening, it gives permission, it creates safety and the one listened to can use that space to do deep emotional work. In a week I often do personal work that is transformative. Doing this work in the company of others results in the emergence of a very hopeful culture. Because of my experience of this culture, co-counseling remains my favorite community.

 Co-counseling was started in the early 1950s, co-counseling international (CCI) the organization I'm involved with started in 1974. We started building a CCI co-counseling community here in Michigan in the late 1990s. This effort was put on hold during the toddler years of my two sons, but for the last several years we have been community building again.

 There are aspects of co-counseling that are virtually unique among therapeutic and personal growth techniques. The egalitarian, or peer nature of the relationship between all listener and worker gives both people access to techniques including insight into how to drop into one's emotions, and how shift one's emotional state. Beyond techniques an attitude of valuing and validating each of us contributes to the transformative efficacy of co-counseling.

 Some of the ways that co-counselors promote a culture of validation include listening with compassion, appreciating oneself, and watching out against invalidating comments.

I can't overstate the importance of listening with compassion. The jargon that co-counselors use for compassionate listening is aware caring attention. To listen well it is important to care. In co-counseling there is the idea of the inherent goodness of the person doing the emotional work. When listening we try to hold the premise that all people, at their core, are good. This perspective moves us away from judging others. Humans are quite perceptive, and when we are not judged we are more likely to find the safety to do the work. I believe that the perspective that co-counselors take when they're listening is essentially what Carl Rogers called universal positive regard.

 In the role of the one who is doing the emotional work there is no particular bar against judging, anger towards others, or even hate. But again the model is a cathartic model, the notion that such things can be expelled if emotionally expressed.

Co-counselors are often called on to validate themselves. Essentially this means to say their name and some positive quality. For example “I am Gaia, and I am intelligent, friendly, helpful, kind, hard-working, patient, and good-looking." This is not just “the power of positive thinking.” Sometimes trying on a positive statement about oneself can be part of a catharsis process. Feelings about the discrepancy between what we say and what we feel about ourselves. In other words if I say something about a positive quality in me and yet I don't feel that I live up to that quality this may bring up sadness. At other times positive statements about ourselves can help us to notice our strengths and, I hope, act on them.

 Too often our mainstream culture is riddled with put downs, degradations, critical comments, and other invalidations. We get a lot of messages that is not okay to think well about ourselves. In writing the example in the previous paragraph I imagined that some of my readers might laugh at one or more of the qualities listed. Going against the current of invalidations as co-counselors we gently tried to interrupt invalidating and emotionally hurtful comments and behavior. The cultural norm at co-counseling international gathering is for someone to say “ouch” if they hear invalidation in something that someone said.

Together these elements create a culture in which people can come to feel validated, and important, even if just for caring about and emotionally supporting their fellow human beings. I will grant that the context in which this culture emerges is a bit artificial. A co-counseling event is a retreat; it's not your job. Nonetheless, there are good examples of this culture of validation making in-roads into other parts of the world.

 To immerse myself in this culture of validation is rejuvenating and refresh. In the weeks before heading east I was feeling a bit worn down. Having now returned home I feel enthusiastic about the activities of my life, I communicate more respectfully with my children, I have clearer vision to where my life is going, I feel more alive.